A whole new blog

So it's been really long time and I've decided to change things up. It's 2014 and I've taken on a new role in the last year. Not only am I a mommy and wife-to-be, but now I'm a working chick. So most of my days are now spent working for 6-7 hours and trying not to be a mega bitch to every customer who I interact with and then the rest of my time is spent trying to be a good mommy/wifey.  Which as of lately the part that I should mainly be focused on being a wifey/mommy is not coming so easily to me anymore.  I feel like I'm failing by letting work take over because everyday I come home from work I'm too tired to really focus on my little monster and keeping our home liveable and the days that I'm off all I want to do is sleep.  My monster doesn't seem to notice that much right now, but my fiancee notices it.  I feel so guilty and stressed because I know I don't want to nor can we afford for me to be a stay-at-home mom.  He hasn't made a big deal about the way things have changed since I started working, but I can see it in his eyes when he comes home and our kitchen looks exactly like it did two days ago. How do other working moms do it?? I have plenty of friends who are working parents who seem to do it all and I cant even seem to muster up time to color with the monster or wash dishes.

I forget

Its a new year..2012 came so fast. I know I haven't posted in awhile, but life has been extremely hectic with my little monster. She's one now and doing all the things a one year old does. Walking, talking, getting into trouble, discovering all kinds of new things, and just being my little monster. I've been so caught up with her that I think I may have forgotten myself. You know its been easier to forget, to forget this empty feeling that's been growing inside of me for the longest time. I don't know what it is or why its there, but its there and its not going away. This feeling lets me know every day that I don't feel good about myself and that around everyone besides my daughter I feel awkward and out of place.
I recently tried to tell my boyfriend about how I felt and he kind of blew me off by telling me "Well whatever it is that's wrong, fix it and good luck to you." I don't understand what he meant by that, does anyone?? Earlier that day we'd been arguing and he said something along the lines of being there for each other. I've been there for him our entire relationship even when he didn't deserve my support I was there for him. When people told me to turn my back on him and just forget him, I held onto what we had and was there. He on the other hand has seemed to remove himself every time I've desperately needed him there by my side. When my grandma died a few years ago, he ditched me on the day of her funeral because supposedly he was worried about his car so he needed to get home. When in fact he didn't go home, he went out with other people. My great-grandma died last year when I pregnant, I was absolutely devastated and when I asked him to go with me to the funeral he told me "I don't feel comfortable going because I don't know any of those people." Well I didn't really know any of that side of my family anymore either (it had been years since I had seen any of my fathers family). Hey I didn't really know any of his family when one of his great aunts was dying, but I was there by his side at the hospital on my birthday because he asked me to be there.
Anyways, the point of this I tried talking to him and he brushed me off. I'm afraid to talk to anyone else and I thought him of all people would understand me or atleast try to understand what I'm going through. I'm afraid this feeling is gonna grow till I'm not myself anymore, all that will be left is a shell of a person. Most days I wake up feeling like a loser, but I put it in the back of my mind and focus on my beautiful little monster. It sits there though gnawing at my insides, trying to make its way to the forefront of my thoughts. When I'm alone though that horrible feeling does come out and I cry.
When I'm not crying I just try to block all those thoughts out and get on with my day by focusing on the brightest spot in my life. Which isn't easy on the days when I sit there watching her play by herself and I worry that she's gonna end up like me. I don't want my happy little monster to ever feel the way that I do at this very point in my life. Nor do I want what I'm going through to affect her happiness in any way. I can't keep ignoring this though, I just need someone to listen to me without judging me....

Tears

So its late...Well not that late for me cause this is the time I'm usually up at night, but that's not the point at the moment. The point of all this is that my baby is gonna be 1 years old in 23 days!!! I think about it and it blows my mind to think at very time last year that she was still inside me growing. She was just little kicks and hiccups. Then 23 days later, I was in the hospital holding her in my arms and my whole world changed. It was like every problem I had fell away because all that mattered was her and its still like that. She's become my world and I wouldn't have it any other way. She's gone from being my sleepy little bundle to my very very active and crazy pre-toddler. Yet some of the looks she gives me are the same looks from when she was just a few weeks old. She's almost walking, I guess that's whats really made me so sentimental because she's become so independent. Yet at night when she's crying she still wants her mommy, which makes me feel so special. Cause I always feel a pang of jealousy when her daddy can comfort her better than I can (which a whole different issue having mostly to do with my so called mom-n-law). I have so much more to say, but just realized I have a mound of laundry to do and not that long to do it.

Buh-Bye May, Hello June

So my princess is 10 months going on 11 in a few weeks. I still marvel at how fast time has gone by and right around the corner is her 1st birthday. I'm so excited that we've finally started to get the ball rolling on planning her birthday party.  Well there hasn't been many changes in this last month, she's still crawling, laughing, drinking a bottle (to my dismay), playing, and growing. A couple of days ago I noticed that she was slightly more cranky and sensitive than usual, drooling like crazy, and trying to chew on whatever she could so even though we haven't seen anything we believe she's getting another tooth. I have also started try to wean her off the bottle, but my efforts have been useless (so far), I thought I'd gotten a sippy cup that she liked, but she's only drank out of it successfully twice and both times she only drank half of her milk then she wanted the rest in her bottle. Which confuses me greatly because I don't understand how she can only drink half of it? Ooh, I almost forgot we took her to her first Strawberry Festival, she loved the food! I mean she ate or tried to eat everything that I bought and later that night ended up with a tummy ache keeping both me and her father up till 5 in the morning. I love seeing her try new food, right now she's loving fruit, chicken, fries, weenie, egg salad, mashed potatoes, and peas, but that's not counting all the little stuff we let her try. Well right now that she's asleep I better get some housework done. nighty night

Lalala..End of April

So it's about 5 or 6 days till the end of April and we're getting closer to July. It's amazing how fast this month went by, it makes me a little sad to say goodbye to it so soon. Before I go into the little princess achievements, here's some important things that happened. Like I celebrated my birthday this month and did it by going to Las Vegas. Now this was baby's first trip outta town for more than a night, she did very well and is now officially a Vegas baby. We also just celebrated Easter, but the princess has been sick for the last couple of days so she spent most of the day napping or just in a very clingy mood. It made me sad that she wasn't able to really experience her first easter, but I took pictures so we could remember the day. Hopefully next year won't be as bad. Well here's the "list" for the month:

• She now has 7 teeth; 4 on top and 3 bottom
• Turned 9 months 
• Went in a pool for the first time and didn't cry (within 10 minutes of being in there she fell asleep in her floaty)
• Found a love for chicken and has totally abandoned baby food
• Took pictures with the easter bunny (didn't smile, but I think she was a little freaked by a giant bunny or the fact that her parents were letting a giant bunny hold her)
• 
  

8 months and going to Vegas...in a week..as of sunday.

So it's the last day of March and my baby is 8 months going on 9 in the next 20 days. I can't believe how time has gone by so fast, its a little scary. Well in a week we'll be heading to Vegas for my birthday, this will by my little monster's first trip away from home for more than a night. I'm so excited to share this with her cause at her age was my first trip to Vegas. Well here's what's been going on:

• 4 more teeth have come in, but only 3 have actually broken skin
• She's crawling and standing up while holding onto furniture
• She went to a wrestling event with her daddy (so not approved by me)
• In a couple of days she will have her first playdate with another little girl
• She's found a love for rice, pure fruit smoothies, and eggs
• Moved up to a size 3 diaper (not sure if I've said that already, but am too lazy to look at older posts)
• started kissing the mirror
• become much more vocal 

So that's it for now, but I'm pretty sure there's gonna be a lot more to come in the next couple of months. I'm hoping to start her on a sippy cup soon and we're starting to plan her 1st birthday party. the verdicts out on the theme though since she shares her birthday with her uncle and the party is for the two of them kind of. Her uncle says he's okay with it being mostly about her, but I still want to include him. Well toodles for now gotta go get a bottle ready. 

Valentines Day and Other February Achievements

So Its been over a month since my last update, but a lot has gone on so I waited to update on my little wiggle worm (which is her newest nickname).

• Started eating jarred baby food and some fruit that I mashed up myself
• Babbling tons more
• Celebrated her 1st Valentines day with a trip to the zoo
• Got the first half of the flu shot (she was sick for a week afterwards)
• Has turned in to a wiggle worm and is mobile by rolling around everywhere on the floor
• Starting to show signs of wanting or starting to crawl
• Went to her first kids birthday party

There might be more, but I'll have to do another update soon. Currently I am sick as a dog and my mom is taking care of the wiggle worm.