Its a new year..2012 came so fast. I know I haven't posted in awhile, but life has been extremely hectic with my little monster. She's one now and doing all the things a one year old does. Walking, talking, getting into trouble, discovering all kinds of new things, and just being my little monster. I've been so caught up with her that I think I may have forgotten myself. You know its been easier to forget, to forget this empty feeling that's been growing inside of me for the longest time. I don't know what it is or why its there, but its there and its not going away. This feeling lets me know every day that I don't feel good about myself and that around everyone besides my daughter I feel awkward and out of place.
I recently tried to tell my boyfriend about how I felt and he kind of blew me off by telling me "Well whatever it is that's wrong, fix it and good luck to you." I don't understand what he meant by that, does anyone?? Earlier that day we'd been arguing and he said something along the lines of being there for each other. I've been there for him our entire relationship even when he didn't deserve my support I was there for him. When people told me to turn my back on him and just forget him, I held onto what we had and was there. He on the other hand has seemed to remove himself every time I've desperately needed him there by my side. When my grandma died a few years ago, he ditched me on the day of her funeral because supposedly he was worried about his car so he needed to get home. When in fact he didn't go home, he went out with other people. My great-grandma died last year when I pregnant, I was absolutely devastated and when I asked him to go with me to the funeral he told me "I don't feel comfortable going because I don't know any of those people." Well I didn't really know any of that side of my family anymore either (it had been years since I had seen any of my fathers family). Hey I didn't really know any of his family when one of his great aunts was dying, but I was there by his side at the hospital on my birthday because he asked me to be there.
Anyways, the point of this I tried talking to him and he brushed me off. I'm afraid to talk to anyone else and I thought him of all people would understand me or atleast try to understand what I'm going through. I'm afraid this feeling is gonna grow till I'm not myself anymore, all that will be left is a shell of a person. Most days I wake up feeling like a loser, but I put it in the back of my mind and focus on my beautiful little monster. It sits there though gnawing at my insides, trying to make its way to the forefront of my thoughts. When I'm alone though that horrible feeling does come out and I cry.
When I'm not crying I just try to block all those thoughts out and get on with my day by focusing on the brightest spot in my life. Which isn't easy on the days when I sit there watching her play by herself and I worry that she's gonna end up like me. I don't want my happy little monster to ever feel the way that I do at this very point in my life. Nor do I want what I'm going through to affect her happiness in any way. I can't keep ignoring this though, I just need someone to listen to me without judging me....
